


the fishbone diagram

by tmtlp



Series: letters i'll never send [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drunken Kissing, Feelings Realization, Han Jisung | Han is Whipped, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, Swearing, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, a letter written by jisung to sort his feelings for hyunjin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 07:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21472300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmtlp/pseuds/tmtlp
Summary: p.s. I still can’t stop thinking about you
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Series: letters i'll never send [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1436320
Comments: 15
Kudos: 67





	the fishbone diagram

**Author's Note:**

> ; edited

_ To. Hwang Hyunjin _  
  


_ Hey. _

_ It’s 2 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I am writing this, even more confusingly, for you. Wait, I take that back. I think I know the answer, but I’m not sure if that’s right and I don’t I want to out it this early on the letter. There’s still many reams of paper and an abundance of ink ready to be dripped from the veins of my brain. _

_ I have so many things I want to say. _

_ I’ve been having a lot of thoughts. You probably knew this already, I think a lot. It might seem like I’m not, but I do think a lot. Notably when it’s about something puzzling me. It’s 2 A.M. and the stars are watching me through the studio’s window while I’m sorting out the puzzle I’ve been struggling to pair for the whole week. They’re probably ready to fall and kill me if I don’t fix this puzzle any time soon. _

_ I decided to write this to help me chronologically lay down each of the pieces so I can finally _ — _ maybe _ — _ put them in their place instead of assuming where they stand. I need to piece this timeline, I need to see the bigger picture. And I also felt the need to write it to you, since I guess it all started because of you. _

_ Albeit, I think it’s pretty obvious? I guess? _

_ See, that’s my lazy I-don’t-want-to-keep-thinking-of-you self assuming things. _

_ You should know this already, come on, I know you’re dumb and I am also dumb but you can’t be this dumb to not figure this out already. You know it, right? I am confused and I am writing this to you. I gave you the answer one line before. I just gave you the whole answer! _

_ God, I am going mad, there’s no way I am sending you this writing now. This is stupid. It’s just… I don’t even know if what I pieced together was the right pattern you envisioned. Since when did a puzzle have alternate ways to solve it? Does every piece I put meet yours on the other side? _

_ Is there an alternate way where the end of your piece is mine too? _

_ Hyunjin, I can't stop thinking about you. _

_ I said it _ — _ wait, I wrote it, I can’t believe this! There it is. _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you 

_ I can’t stop, and as much as this would probably wound you, I want it to stop. It’s fucking annoying, I need to finish the lyrics to a song Chan-hyung trusted me at 6 today (that’s 4 more hours!) and send it to him or else he will scrape me, yet I am here writing this for you. The fact that I wouldn’t even send this to you makes me think I have gone absolutely mad and I don’t like this. Oh, I know I am absolutely mad since I can’t write anything else aside from you _ — _ your smile, your eyes, your hands, your _ — _ I don’t need to elaborate further. This is insane! _

_ I want it to stop. Why? Reason (1) it bugs me, (2) makes me want to be around you even more, (3) makes me notice every single little detail of you, (4) and it makes me think of your lips on mine that night. _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you  
Prediction of cause:  
1\. the night you kissed me while we’re intoxicated

_ Okay. Now that we’ve got a candidate, let’s analyze it. _

_ Let me start by saying it was nice kissing you. Very nice. I was kind of out of it, but not entirely since I could still remember it. I don’t remember how it had happened though… was it me? You? Who even started it. All I can recall is that suddenly we were looking at each other and the next moment we’re kissing. _

_ It’s… sweet. I’m in love with the high I get from it. It’s just what I imagined kissing you would feel like, yes, I have thought about it before. It wasn’t as bugging as it is right now because I don’t think I’d ever kiss you back then, now that I have felt the highs as if I was in heaven… Hyunjin, I think I am going absolutely insane. _

_ After that kiss…. you're a constant in my head. Why? What is it about you that leaves a lingering effect? I keep dreaming of you, awake or asleep, it isn't always the same. You're the closest thing to me in some, in others you're the furthest thing I can see that is still in focus. _

_ I wonder if you remember since you act so casually around me as if nothing happened. Am I supposed to feel a little sting at that? Did you also think about the kiss the way I’ve been mulling about it the past few weeks? Did you feel the high I felt? The high that takes me to heaven, beyond the pillow-like clouds, drowsing on the azure canvas. _

_ When your lips touched mine _ — _ I could remember the taste vividly, strawberries with a citrus undertone. Was it the alcohol? I don’t know. It’s sweet, sugary, but also sour, rushing inside my veins as you hum against my lips, opening your mouth which then I mirror. The next thing I know your tongue meets mine as everything just explodes into tiny little pieces inside me, dancing with an integrating rhythm as our lips. _

_ I remember our lips part, only to meet again and I feel dizzy, everything is fuzzy, guess I just got a lot more intoxicated than I was before. But your beauty is still so clear. Was it the alcohol or was it just you? Or was it the lingering alcohol on your lips? _

_ I remember how it got fuzzier when your lips met my neck, it was the best feeling but I had to stop you before we did something further that I’m not sure you really want or not. I don’t think you’re sober enough to know what you want. You stared at me with your eyes half-lidded, and my heart missed a cadence. _

_ Are you studying my eyes because my pupils have dilated? _

_ Or are you giving me the gaze that I have all too long awaited? _

_ Do you at long last feel the way I’ve been feeling? _

_ Wait, what even have I been feeling _ — _ ? _

_ MOVING ON. (You should know as I am writing this, I can’t help but become flustered at the image. It’s too indecent to be thought about at 2 A.M. God, I crave more and I can’t bring myself to deny it. What is it about you?) _

_ Hyunjin, I don't even know what exactly I'm thinking of when I'm thinking of you. I spend my time thinking about you and thinking of not thinking about you and I'm caught in a loop of you. It’s just you. _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you  
Prediction of cause:  
1\. the night you kissed me while we’re intoxicated  
2\. you acting as normal as ever while still playing around

_ I can’t tell if you notice this change in me or not as you smiled at me so warmly like every other day and grabbed my hand to lace our fingers together. It was always like this, why does this feel different? Huh, all it took was a kiss and suddenly the cosmos’ entropy had grown beyond my grasp. _

_ It’s your mind and your thoughts, the things that danced off of your tongue, the words you put, pencil to paper, mind to mouth. The ideas th _ _ at come out while you’re writing, or when you’re dancing like there’s no tomorrow. _

_ It’s your eyes and your sight, the cautious observation of beauty by the definition of beauty itself. All the stares you give me, illuminating, too much for my eyes yet left me too helpless to look away. _

_ It’s your movements and your touch, the hugs where you grip my waist, the times where we’re sleepy and you’re playing with my fingers, the warmth you give off and your gorgeous smile. _

_ I could continue the list forever. Seasons will pass each year and by then I would still continue, there are always new things I picked up about you that I would like to write down. Every part of you is my favorite, just saying, I could bottle them in a song, there would be an infinite number of them. _

_ It also took me one kiss to realize none of the things on the list are mine to have, to take, to keep, to love. You could be giving them to every other being and I’d have no territories to claim. It was never my own to begin with. _

_ Hold the fuck up _ — _ What did I just write there? _

_ Love? _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you  
Prediction of cause:  
1\. the night you kissed me while we’re intoxicated  
2\. you acting as normal as ever while still playing around

Side effects:  
<strike> 1\. I’m in love??? </strike>

_ I’m in love? _

_ On God, feelings are so confusing. _

_ I’m in love? _

_ What kind of conclusion is this? Am I analyzing this right? I… lov _

_ Sorry, I had to stop writing to think this through. It’s just… too much to take in. I’ve pondered about it, and I don’t know if I am actually in love. Can I even call this love, yet? I need to ask Seungmin later, another insight is very much needed right now and Seungmin knows everything (except the feelings Binnie-hyung has for him, that dumbfuck). _

_ I don’t think I am in love, but I also don’t think I just like you. This is in no way written to offend you. I think I am just in between. My feelings… it’s more than just like but I don’t think it has reach love. But I am sure it’s going through the direction, time. _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you  
Prediction of cause:  
1\. the night you kissed me while we’re intoxicated  
2\. you acting as normal as ever while still playing around

Side effect:  
<strike> 1\. I’m in love??? </strike>   
1\. I think I am going to fall in love

_ It’s 4:20 A.M _ _ . now and I’m scared, Hyunjin. Falling. I’m scared. If this is how I feel before I even fall, how is it gonna feel like after? I’ve gone mad, for real now. Having sensible things in control and for it to start running wild wherever it pleases is mad. _

_ I’ve read love is about surrendering yourself to the one growing it in you. You’re abandoning yourself to the other person, to let them do whatever. _

_ I wonder…. wonder if you are scared to fall too. When you do… will it be me, the one you surrender to? Is it selfish to want it to be me? Because you already have me somehow and I want to have you too. _

_ Now that I think of it, I am just waiting for the fall to happen. Scary thing is, I am just taking each footstep closer to it. _ _ For each footstep on the lightly treaded clouds, stars, and cement roads are never there too long. They will always be fading away, like ripples in the water. Leaving me to fall as I take my last step into the thin air. _

_ I _ — _ I can’t stop. Why the fuck can’t I? Was it the gravity pull? Was it your eyes captivating me? You’re pulling me without even knowing. Was it the kiss? _

_ When you kissed me _ — _ I have talked about this, right? See, I can’t stop talking about it! _ — _ it all felt weightless like we’re just floating on the thin air as everything stays grounded. _

_ I, now, somehow wonder if we had met too at another time. Since the feeling felt so familiar against my skin. _

_ I probably created poems made of stardust _ _ — _ _ in the past lives I don’t remember _ _ — for you, you who’s ready to explode like a star stuffed with too many fuels because you just shine that bright. As you explode, I’d admire you from afar and hope to hold some dust you left off, a faint memory. _

_ Or were we two ideals colliding into each other? Like the sun and the moon, as they formed a rare magnificent beauty called the eclipse. You’d be the sun, and I would twirl around the boring earth to close the distance between us and have your light kisses me alone, even only for a few minutes. _

_ Or maybe! At another time, I would look at you like there are stars trapped in yourself for how you glow every time. I will count all of them, connect them into a bunch of constellations I don’t even know the name of. Maybe I’d look at you like there are stars trapped in yourself, only to realize I’ve been looking at a whole universe. Wait _ — _ isn’t this what I’ve been doing all this time? The fuck? _

_ Huh, anyway, I would love to wander in it forever, to explore every hidden corner; galaxies, stars, planets, nebulas, clusters, anything. Who knows maybe I wouldn’t get a chance to in another life? There are lots of space objects that you can’t see with your two bare eyes, you know, Hyunjin? _

_ I sincerely want to find those hidden objects inside you, that, if you allow me to. I wouldn’t mind wasting every second until death caught me between its fingers because I think _ — _ and I know somehow _ — _ you’re worth every second. _

_ I’d give you the universe if I could. But then, you’re the whole universe itself. I’d just have to give you yourself then. _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you  
Prediction of cause:  
1\. the night you kissed me while we’re intoxicated  
2\. you acting as normal as ever while still playing around

Side effect:  
<strike> 1\. I’m in love??? </strike>   
1\. I think I am going to fall in love  
2\. I’ve gone mad and slowly falling

_ Hyunjin, _

_I’d wait and fall for as long as it takes until we meet somehow in the midst of the fall. And if that ever happens, I hope somehow you’d catch my hands, __intertwining your fingers with my fingers._ _Let’s reunite all the lost souls in the universe as I gaze into your eyes and fall deep into them, like an ideal somehow going against all the rules of gravity and sense (since I have gone mad, remember?). As it graciously sinks to the bottom of the sea._

_ Until the loneliness and the pain of uncertainty sinks away to the core of the earth with it. _

_ I hope you catch my hands. _

<strike> _ Please. _ </strike>

_ Please let me be the one you fall for. I _

_ I feel like crying. Get your fucking self together, Han Jisung! It’s 5:30 now, _ _ suddenly the sun starts to set high again and I still haven’t finished the fucking song! _

_ I’ll end this here! I need to finish the fucking song. _

Issue: I can’t stop thinking about you  
Prediction of cause:  
1\. the night you kissed me while we’re intoxicated  
2\. you acting as normal as ever while still playing around

Side effects:  
<strike> 1\. I’m in love??? </strike>   
1\. I think I am going to fall in love  
2\. I’ve gone mad and slowly falling

Prescription: nothing, you’re worth the side effects

_ Yours, _ _  
_ _ Han Jisung _

_ p.s. I still can’t stop thinking about you _

**Author's Note:**

> i didnt read this through so if there's any mistakes sorry!!! ill fix them later ;;
> 
> and a fishbone diagram is a diagram of cause and effect made to identify the root of a problem!  
jisung is supposed to make an actual diagram out of this but i just wrote it down kjdhkjdh
> 
> thank you for reading hope u have good day
> 
> a feedback would be very much appreciated!! <3


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